Mixed Crumbs

Am in a bloody lousy mood.
I just lost  RM180 just like that. The bloody dog chewed on it. Gone… my power adaptor gone. Dead.
Feel like kicking it and hearing it yelp. Argh.

What rotten luck. Wonder if any compensation would be made to me or will it passes me by.
Can I pummel the fellow and bury her head in? Argh.

Hoping to settle it once and for all and be cut clean from all the bullshit thats been fed to me for god knows how long.

Am sincerely touched by all the messages and offers that comes in nonstop. Sorry that I am reluctant to go into too much details as I am really hurt and I am the one who made myself into such a big fool. This is the truth and it’s wrenching out my heart. It seems my chest is weighed on by a huge boulder, the uneasiness and the difficulty in taking in air. Occasionally I use my mouth. My body is getting hotter as time passes. Am overclocking it but I tried taking herbal tea to counter it and prolong the effect. My eyes are tired, arms and legs jittery and body need resting but my fucking brain is hyper. It’s delivering me assumptions and possibilities. Pieces of puzzles fitting here and there.

Yesterday night seemed to inch by. I could not get a single wink. I have a phobia of sleeping in my own room. I can’t even nap. Many relates their experience and yeah as always, each are different. Mine for now is a total fucked up case. She has managed to screw me over and over. I managed to wander off in my housemate’s room from 430am to 6am. Initially decided to skip work, citing emergency as excuse but the haunting thought of being alone at home freaks me out. So I go to work.

I knew that she comes over because of Bit Bit and not with the intention to see me anymore. That is why I let her took him away last Sunday, 23rd March 2008. After 6 months plus of living with Bit Bit I have grown to love him. He is who I call out to when I reach home. He often replies with ngok ngok ngok and stretching himself, just before I open his pen. He would welcome me with his playfulness by circling around me, trying to get my attention. Bit Bit will hop on my bed and rest without a care on my legs. His funny display of arrogance. He would go on up to my pillow and walk to and fro above my head. Finally giving me a few sniffs. It was kind of annoying at times when you are unconsciously relaxed but now Bit Bit has gone out of my life just like that, when I can clearly remember him coming in a box and exploring every corner of my room when he was first brought over. At first, I did not approve of having a pet in my room but I can’t remember when, when I slowly warm up to the little fellow. He beckons when I call. He follows me downstairs and up. He chases after me. And his energy level peaks when it’s midnight. Pay him a little attention and he will be so happy and would just strut his stuff around the room. Climbing on top of bags and boxes. Squeezing through small gaps. Sometimes I could not find him around my room which sparked a rabbit hunt which I think makes the naughty fellow do his rabbit laugh. He likes to be in control, I guess. Once he went missing I scared shitless. But when I found him wandering up the street and manage to have him back in my arms… my heart just light up. The touch of his fine fur on my hands though he would be kicking and scratching for being manhandled. I always get scratches on my hands, used to.

Come last Sunday, he was forever taken out of my life. I sobbed pathetically, worse than a school girl at the thought of not being able to see him anymore. To rub him behind his ears down to his neck. He loves that. Bit Bit would go flat on all fours and slowly closes his eyes enjoying every moment, without fail. And the sick thing is I never got to say goodbye. Never held his little paw and wave it a little. Why had I not done so when I had a sickening feeling that something really bad was about to submerge me? How could I be so careless? Damn… tears are trickling down and my nose seems to be running all over the place, lucky for me I sit far away from the colleagues. Fuck…

Sorry Bit, I did not want to leave you without saying goodbye, it was never my intention. Please forgive me, boy. I missed you a lot that only god knows. Would love to see you scamper towards me but I know that is wishful thinking. And forgive me for the reluctance to ever really announce you as my rabbit because deep down inside I have this uncertainty that somehow or rather I would be forced to swallow back my claim on you. That fear camouflages itself in the deep dark corners of my gut awaiting to pounce any moment. And it had already done so. But I am a little relieved that I told you I love you before.

I leaned and stared at the little gap in between the box and the wall and the big plastic bag that you so had a habit of rummaging in. Now the silence echoed throughout the room… so loud that it’s scary. The image of you running around are only projected by my overworked brain. I reached out my hand for my imaginary Bit Bit.

Bit… boy… would love you always and promise me you will be good. Please understand that the time that you and me had is over but I will definitely cherish them. It’s not a choice of mine. And I pray for happy times ahead for you and that the fucker/fuckers who she falls for, will take good care of you and hopefully better than I did. That would be give me great peace of mind.

PS. Bit Bit please don’t forget me. Sorry. Bye bye. You will always be my rabbit. Cross my heart and hope to die.

Adoption Canceled
My friend is moving to a new place and it seems she does not have much space for Terry anymore. With heavy heart she has to give him up for adoption.
She had the dog since June 2006… when he was still a pup. Am not too sure about the breed though.
Saw him once and he is one healthy, mischievous, funny and cute little one. Toilet trained. Follow commands like roll over, sit and other stuff.
Anyone interested? If yes, check out her blog and contact her or leave a message here and I will let her know. Cheers!

Read her post : Adoption Anyone

Update :
Terry’s current location is in PJ.

More Updates:
It seems that auntie (dragon girl’s mama) has kinda feel attached to Terry and now he is staying put. So the adoption is off. Thanks a lot for all your kind attention though.

Today officially marks Casper’s disappearance for 1 week.

But to hell with it… everything is fine now. Am so glad.
I could tell when my phone started playing Scooby Doo’s theme song. I spoke to C earlier after dinner regarding our trip to Muar, so there was no special reason for him to call me again. I had been secretly hoping that the poodle will find his way back to C and YF’s arms. Not forgetting GSC @ godmother too although she is far away back north. Been a gloomy week ever since last Merdeka as Casper staged his own big break leaving his sister, Crumbs behind. C and YF looked sad and listless even my aunts speculated that they cried before coming to dinner. They rushed straight back after receiving a call from their groomer saying that Casper was spotted. Alas, it was a false alarm.

Anyway, my bro voiced out his plight in a pet forum and someone got a whiff of it and called C after spotting Casper. He wanted to delay the news but he sucked at it cos his voice was filled with excitement and I could hear YF’s happy voice behind. Sorry bro, you can’t Gotcha! me.
Guess C have to do something to the gates now. Better be safe than sorry. Luckily it ended well. *relief sigh*
No more sad emo MSN nicks. Thank god.

Any of you out there had their beloved pets went missing before?