Mixed Crumbs

Was trawling through my archives and I stumbled on some drawings done by my friend. She was the only one who used MSN’s drawing function at the time and I thought her drawings are nice and I had no idea that she drew. Mmm… and if she did, she never showed me any. So I just did screen captures of her drawings and the one I am showing dates back to 12th August 2005. The day she drew the most. I like the chick, the prawn and her kicking my head in.

Wonder if she can tell it by first glance it’s her doing… mmm…

Finished burrowing in the world Tony Parsons drew up in Stories We Could Tell. Not an easy book for me though. It drew plenty of references from the music world. I know only a handful and that was just only recognizing their name. Not the music they play. A lot of words to pick up. Which I did not. Was keeping it for my second read. All in all an interesting read. Never knew I would be hooked on them, books… like Terry on speed and music.

Two more books left. Loaned them from Food4Thot last Saturday. They should be easier to digest. Thinner too. Read a few pages of The Little Prince but decided to hop on the Stories We Could Tell.

How coincidental for the Little Prince to walk into my life. I was excited when Food4Thot fingered through the spines of her book collection and handing me a translated French classic by Antoine De Saint-Exupery. For she had helped me solve the mystery of the weird looking permanent skin accessory on JH… a Arnie looking climber I met in Tonsai. First noticed JH and his friends sitting at one of the local restaurant having lunch and having a good time. SF and me just got down from a climb on ‘The Nest’ and we were both thirsty and hungry for some local food. Stripped off the harness and back from washing the calloused chalked up hands I noticed somewhat on first glance… a weird badly drawn figure on a small planet with a big tree ( a few pages into Le Petit Prince, told me the tree is a Baobab tree ) … out of shaped stars on the back of JH the French climber… who did a funny sexy body song number while kissing his biceps. A white kitten was napping on his backpack while he was doing his dance. It made me wonder why would someone have such a thing permanently drawn on them?

I would know the answer by next week. It’s supposed to be a touching story and quite famous too. Any of you read it before?

Marched to work on Monday while greeting those in sight with an uplifting mood. A week off to an island with beautiful sun, sand, sea and magnificent limestone formation littered with colorful people, swinging melodies, grubs that carve a curve and little mammals from lazy dogs to hyperactive squirrels, have this effect on me. Sorry that I drifted away.

*Rewind*

Yes… as I was taking the third last step through the glass door my receptionist stopped me. I think I saw a twinkle in her eyes. She heaved and quite effortlessly produced an oblong package handsomely double wrapped in white plastic. It took me a second to register the object placed before me. It’s the redemption gift. According to her, it had been waiting obediently for me since Wednesday… Wednesday afternoon… while I was away sweating in a harness doing a 6A+ climb, maybe. Enough of that. Am doing my detour from my post again. I think I need some extra weight to hold me down. So that roots can once again wrestles the loose earth beneath my feet and struggles to grapple anything to pull me back down… or at least keep me down.

Redemption gift. A nylon tent. A 2 men tent. A blue nylon 2 men tent. Was not expecting it to reach my office that soon. It had been only a week the most… according to the website it was due only in around 30-40 days… ha… could not care less… it’s finally here. I left it in the office yesterday night… I had to do some shopping after work so it was a bit crazy to waddle through racks of clothing and stationeries while lugging a bag and tent.
Finally brought it back just now and here are some mindless photos. Visuals.

The mess that came before a camp. I was having some trouble setting it up. This was the time I was looking for the manual. Where is the fucking manual when one needs it? Guess the picture on the carrier bag was worth a thousand words or the assumption that everyone who gets a tent knows how to set it up. The survival skill. The flakes of Rambo in me was trying to hide the laughter. I was a little frustrated figuring where the fibre poles are supposed to go. Finally I spread it flat on the floor and yeah… I can see where each of the skeletal frame should go. I started pitching at 9.50pm and completed it at 10.15pm. Not bad for my own standard. I half expected to complete it with disgust written on my face while droplets of water+ammonia+urea+ sugar+salt form above the brow. Bet I could do it faster the next time. Taking it down and packing it back was easy, just like folding my blanket, a thing I do every morning. Practice. Perfect.
Now, to wait for the weather to take a turn for the better. My last camping… if one could call it that, was back in primary school, on school compound, sleeping on stretcher beds along with 50 plus boys I think, while the girls get to use the classrooms. For me, getting a piss and dump outdoors is good. It beats having to haul your ass to the school toilet. The primary school toilet in the Standard One and Standard Two area creeps me out. Certain school toilets does that to me. They have that haunting feeling… I can still feel it if I dwell deep enough. I think I only did my big business in school toilets especially primary ones, less than 10 times. That’s what I can remember. Actually I can only remember only once. Yes, we went in pairs, sometimes even more than that and we usually ran back to join the crowds without looking back. The little girls back then always manage to flood the boys toilets with their tissues and pads. Guess they took the opportunity of camping to wreak havoc in the boys urinal territory. Tip toeing in for a piss still get your canvas shoes wet. Wonder if I ever heard Moaning Martyle giggling behind closed doors. Geez.

Alas, my RM50 voucher is missing. Have to give the credit card company a call again.

It seems that I will be having a full weekend again.
My darling sis, Qiqi  will be doing her ‘thang’ as promised and I honestly can’t wait. Can I help in the kitchen too?

Then there is a gathering at night… at I don’t know where. Will be seeing some friends who are coming all the way from Singapore. Actually I only know one. Hopefully some hugs are in store. *wink* you know who you are. I just crash their party. Eat drink and mix around. Let’s just take it that I am representing Sponkers.

Sunday. Climb in Summit. Gathering. Dinner with ex-colleagues. Been more than a  year since I last met all of them together. The previous planned dinner was scrapped at the last minute, so let’s pray that this time it goes off without a hitch. Bring camera ya!

All these means more people to show the Samsung i450 phone to. Hahaha…..

Today is the 16th April 2008.
It was on this day that I randomly spoke to her. I did a random search and out comes her name. Just a simple hi.
Our conversation was short for the first day.

But it just took off from there and thinking back… mmm… let’s keep it that way. At least to me it started beautifully.
I thought I would definitely go and crash into some dark emo hole but instead, somehow I feel a little glad and contented right now. Think I will have a good sleep tonight.

Damien Rice won’t be lulling me to sleep tonight. Not even Brand New.
What irony too, the much belated gift that I got for her will arrive in my office today afternoon. I changed the order for I don’t want to be faced with a object that has 2 bunnies looking up to a crescent. A normal graphic but it speaks loudly to me. Rather not have something like that around me. Don’t need reminders.

I am blogging about this on my bed. Finally my connection is up and my blogging gears are red hot and ready to go. But am physically tired. Good night.

Yeah yeah. I tend to remember dates like these. Yawn.

Morning everyone.
Was wondering how should I go about this.
Before I start, with all due respect, I appreciate even the slightest thought of concern you people may have. Concern and not sympathy. There are differences.

Did not feel good about the escalation of emotions in my earlier personal posts. The comments.
Everything was written from my own perspective and what I felt at that precise space of time. It’s not a habit of mine to talk about much of my own very personal feelings. Ignore my star sign, it’s just me. I just wanted to express that’s all. It’s something that was raging to get out and coincidentally I have a blog.

For everyone’s info, I do wish that PrettySu is happy. Seriously and sincerely. That was what I wanted her to be when we were together and I do not think it would work out when two individuals are together but unhappy. I do not see a logic there. Hard for me to explain. Words fails me on and off on this. Yes, I admit and confess that I was very sad and in despair. For what it seemed an eternity then. I honestly believe that I understand her, that is why I do what I do now. I don’t know how many of you think this way, but as for me, if you really care and understand that certain person, you would respect the choices that they make. I wish her to be happy , I hope she is. And for the record, she brought a lot of happiness into my life too, by far. Those were the time we shared. I prefer to cherish and remember the better times although I admit sometimes emotions run deep and it’s overpowering. But I know it is a right thing for me to do. Those of you who do not understand, let’s just say it’s a fairly simple and complex matter at the same time. Period.

Although anger always manages to find odd moments to seep through my veins but I know better. It was a little tough but as always, time will do it’s job. I would not want to live my life having angst and hatred weighing upon my shoulder, and I do not see why you people should have it too. I moved on… with baby steps but am doing fine so far. I know what I should do. Everyone decides for themselves that is why I do not interfere in the comments section.

PrettySu, if you are reading this, I hope it’s not too late to remind you what I have said before… the last time we met or way back when we started. I meant it. Er… I am not ready to talk to you yet, no idea when I could. And yes, I remember what day last Tuesday was. The urge to want to relay my wishes was evidently strong but I decided to hold it back. Consider this a belated wish. And I hope that now you understand and see why I chose to talk to your friends first. No offense my own friends.

If any of you noticed, my recent Personal posts have the comments off. I think it’s for the better. I have thought of removing the previous posts and comments but I decided it would be better to leave it as it is. It’s a part of my life too. Lesson learned, let’s move on. Personal post will still be delivered when I think I should.

Qiqi, time to bake my cheesecake. Make it bigger so other people can share.
I would like you all to know that the makcik gave me 2 sardines for my nasi lemak this morning had done nothing to influence this blog post.

Yeah, me and my lame blog titles.

I foresee that in coming weeks, my blog will be quite busy. Cross fingers.
Just found out that I am already listed in the BlogMob site. Although there has been only 5 clicks from it so far. It might be my photo thats driving the mouse away.

What is BlogMob?

BlogMob has been conceptualised by Mobile World as a platform for Samsung to interact with bloggers. It is a long term project with this being the first BlogMob event.

You’re witnessing selected Malaysian bloggers spending one month with a Samsung mobile handsets. They will use them in their daily lives and especially their blogging activities.

On top of the fun of trying out a brand new mobile phone, the bloggers will stand a chance to win prizes at the end of the programme.

How did we come up with the name BlogMob? Well, we think bloggers are a pretty energetic group of people. Their enthusiasm is boundless and together they make up a pretty cool mob, which by the way can also be a short nick for ‘mobile’.

Check out BlogMob

This has been the other thing that’s keeping me excited and helping me get through my personal hard times. I am crawling but I will be fine. My rate of waking up suddenly from my sleep and having my mind wondering about what happen and all the questions has been reduced. Am not going to let the suffocating weight creep back on top of my heart and lungs.

After all is said and done, I realized that everything that unreeled before me seemed to resemble a concept that the animated cartoon Happy Tree Friends used time and again.
Witness Happy Tree Friends here.

Everything starts off dreamy, cute and darn sweet only to end it with so much bloodiness and gore.
When it started I just can’t believe how blessed I was. When it ended I had my heart in my mouth, but I for one am not those who goes into denial mode. But still it was very hard to believe and swallow. Truth and reality hurts but lies even more so.

Even the caller ringtone I set for her was the theme from Happy Tree Friends. I get the cold heart shiver and tingle every time I hear it. I should have known better.

Will be cleaning up my phone soon of all messages and pictures. Empty it all out. Am even considering to go one step further with the phone cleansing ritual. Now my #1 on speed dial is vacant and I do expect it to stay that way for quite some time. So much for morning calls and cravings for a voice that warms me up. Instead it has a reverse effect on me now.

Am learning to let go and saying goodbye to days that are gone, though they still comes and haunts me ever so often. Exorcism needed. This is where time comes in I suppose.

———————————————————————-

Dear Friends,
Just give me a pat or a back rub thing if you see me. Do not ask me how I am. I would just try and lie to you a little. Hugs appreciated too. Even not asking me anything helps. I will be fine soon.

Thank you very much.

Yours Sincerely,
Abner

It rained heavily yesterday evening. So heavy that I chose to stay back in the office till 7. While I was walking towards the LRT I spotted something which made me stop dead in my tracks.

A huge rainbow swept across the sky. Never had I seen it so big and so beautiful. I felt uplifted and warm for a second or two.

Several girls were taking photos of it. Excitedly.

I wonder when will my rainbow appears. Soon I hope, for the rain that is going on inside me is beginning to subside. Unpredictable.

Yup. If I do, I would have written this piece. It’s a song by Jack Johnson, one of my favorite singer and I never felt much for this song previously but now it speaks volume. Would have written something like this if Jack had not done so earlier. Go through the lyrics and do not skip a single line and you would see me in there. But still it’s his experience and not entirely mine. There are certain words and lines that I can really relate. Enjoy.

Tips. Look out for the wordings in italic.

“Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”

Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you’d see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain’t the Lord, no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody don’t make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn’t worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they’re directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I’ve had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I’d wondered why’d it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I’m not you
And If I was I wouldn’t be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain’t so easy to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, foool

Download Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

It’s a nice song to sink into. Let me indulge in my moments of despair for a wee longer. Yesterday night I just fell flat on the bed and slept. It’s been more than a week since I had such a nice sleep on my own bed. Even forgot to take off my contact lenses, close the door, change my clothes and off the lights. Yeah Abner is that tired of it all.